One of them days, one of them days, oh i’m having one of them days..
It’s Wednesday 18th, September 2019 and the time is now 11:30am, as I sit in my bed, in England and type this..
My cycle is due, my head aches, my breasts have been sore for days, I feel tired and lethargic and although I did get up and out of bed at 07:30am this morning to do my daily facebook live video, I did get back into bed…
I do not remember the last time I just chilled in bed. For me, your bed is a place to sleep and once you’re awake you get up, make the bed and go on about your day. However, I rebelled against that today and allowed myself some time to rest up.
You know the kind of day where you just don’t feel like talking to anyone? The kind of day where you’d like to stay in bed all day and just stay in your pjs, snuggled under the duvet..
The kind of day, where something can happen and you just start crying?
The kind of day where you wonder, is it just me? Or do others feel the same way. The kind of day, where you wonder, is this honestly, going to affect me for the rest of my menstrual cycle life?
The clock struck 08:30am and I pressed ‘start live video’ the air was fresh, I could see the moon, I was chatting away into the camera, everything was fine.
Then I looked to my left and I saw my Mum walking towards the washing line, just meters away from me, with the washing basket in her arms. We locked eyes and I looked back at the camera, took a deep breath in and said quietly ‘and breathe’ I could feel the tension rising in my body, which became too much, so I decided to suddenly stop talking and start the guided meditation, so that I could close my eyes. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, but I knew it would be ok, because everyone else that is tuning into the video, will have their eyes closed, so they will be none the wiser.
My emotional state when I am due on, is so wobbly and so unexpected, but i’m just having to come to terms with, that’s me and that’s ok.
I have had jobs before and relationships with people before, where they comment on my crying. This Marilyn Monroe quote comes to mind ”if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”
I do not take any prescription medications of any kind for any reasons.
I comfort myself with tea, podcasts and a hot water bottle. When the painful stomach cramps arrive, I massage coconut oil and clary sage essential oil into my belly and if it really is unbearable, as a last resort, I will take a couple of ibuprofen.
I am 28 and I live with my Mum and her partner and my sister. I feel claustrophobic in the place we live, I feel uncomfortable, I feel like I am trapped, I feel like I cannot be myself, I feel misunderstood, I sometimes feel depressed, I have had suicidal thoughts before, I do not get on with my mum, or my sister or step dad really, but due to financial restrictions, I know this is currently the only place I can be, so again, I have to just accept it and find ways of relieving the feelings I get when i’m due on.
I do remember some conversations when I was much younger, around menstrual cycles, of physical burdens like sore breasts, stomach cramps etc, but I never realised there could be a mental aspect of menstrual cycles too.
It actually, wasn’t even until my now, ex boyfriend, once made a comment, it was like a lightbulb moment, “this is every month”, he didn’t even realise what he was saying. That’s when I suddenly remembered i’d found something before called PMDD, whilst I was up late one night researching about how I was feeling. I’d bi passed it and let it go, until April this year, when my boyfriend and I split, because I was emotional irrational and I decided to go to the doctors. I spoke about this PMDD after lots more research and finding some information on the ‘mind’ charity website, which is how I then found out about facebook groups for PMDD and I was later connected to my step brothers girlfriend in the group, who has privately been diagnosed with PMDD. The NHS still do not say it is this.
I have not been given a diagnosis, and I do not intend on using my energy to get one, I know what happens to me, I know the feelings and thoughts I get and my main intention is to find ways that help me move forward, not stay stuck on the issue as that doesn’t help us move forward.
Top tips to help manage your symptoms;
- Remind yourself, it is a natural process for female born bodies to have a monthly menstrual cycle, remind yourself, this is natures work, let it come and let it go.
- Comparing is despairing – Comparison is the thief of all joy, do not compare yourself to others, every single human is different, we know that because of our fingerprint. So allow yourself to be beautifully unique.
- Be kind to yourself – kind self talk, reassuring words, positive affirmations
- Embrace your journey – when we get frustrated with ourself, we end up resenting ourself, just allow yourself to feel into the emotions and thoughts you have. If they are critical, call 999
- Choose to make healthier choices – every time, before eating something, ask yourself, is this going to make me feel better or worse? Am I consuming enough water based foods/drinks to help keep my bodies cells and organs including skin nourished and hydrated? Am I physically moving my body, whether it’s walking, yoga, swimming, netball, going to the gym, get the body moving physically. Are you connecting to nature? Noticing the birds, the trees, the stars and the moon? Be aware of your surroundings. Are you connecting in person with others? Whether it’s meeting a work colleague or a friend, family member, or even paying someone a compliment when you’re out and about, stay connected in person (not just hiding behind a laptop/ phone/ tablet) Are you learning? Not just about PMS or PMDD, or you taking the time to learn something new? A passion, a hobby of yours, something you’d like to do more of, whether it’s reading a book or going to a library or asking someone who is a professional in that field or whether it’s searching the net.
These are the 5 ways to well-being as described in the last bullet point above;
- Stay Active – Take Notice – Connect – Give – Learn
I hope this read can at least help 1 person,
‘stress less, relax to the max’ ltd