A bit like a Birthday, except you have to be a Mum, or maybe a Step Mum, or a Foster Mother? Or even a God Mother?
Where do we go with this..?
We then question what is a Mother and who qualifies to be a Step Mother..?
I have a Birth Mother, A Step Mother and a God Mother all present in my life and I love them all dearly.
Today, I am the partner of a man who is a father to a beautiful 4 year old little blonde haired girl, who I also love dearly.
When I woke up this morning, thinking it was 630 AM, but later noticing my alarm clock beside my bed, doesn’t automatically adjust the way an iPhone does! I got out of bed, and did the usual, made a tea, I chose fresh mint and I had this little spur of energy to have a bit of a tidy up around the house. I live with my Birth Mother, and my Mother’s partner, who i’ve always referred to as my Step Father, and my younger sister. I was the only one up and awake, so I tried to tread carefully, after about half an hour, I got back into bed, I bought my iPhone in from the kitchen (I charge it in there overnight) and decided to check any notifications.
I then found myself on Facebook, i’m sure you can resonate?
I remembered that today, in England, it is ‘Mother’s Day’ I don’t actually know, why we celebrate it, or who made it up, but all I know, is that, as a daughter, there seem’s to be a pressure to adhere to it, and it seems easier to participate in it, rather sticking my fingers in my ears and resenting it.
My relationship with my Mother, is fruitful.. There has been a lot of arguments, disagreements, swearing, shouting, threats, tears, but there have also been a lot of hugs, a lot of kind words, thoughtful gestures, gifts and great memories.
It is SO easy, actually, it is TOO easy, to blame people, when things don’t go well, or when you don’t get the outcome that you want.
But one question I often remember somehow, is, ”what can I do better?” Whoever’s fault it is, amongst the mess and pain, ”what can I do better?” So I popped some hot cross buns in the toaster, made a pot of tea, and spent a moment sat on the bed with my Mum and Step Dad, as she opened just 3 gifts I bought her. (By the way, totalling £4.00) Mum was very thankful, hugged and kissed me, and was surprised to receive anything, as I always say, ”its a made up day for businesses to make more money”
As I said earlier, my partner has a 4 year old daughter. He has her stay with him every weekend, and together we spend time with her on Wednesday’s after school. Since I met my partner, back in September 2018, I have no idea of the ‘official’ date we decided to call ourselves ‘gf/bf’ but I remember him saying, we’ve been together since we met, and i’m cool with that. Ever since we met, i’ve always been a part of his daughters life too. From spending my precious 30 minute break from a 10 hour shift with him and her, to progressing onto days out on my days off, sleepovers at his and then weekends away at his Dad’s in the Norfolk countryside.
See, from the get go, I just accepted that the guy i’ve decided to be in a relationship with, has a daughter already, so I accept her and love her, the way I accept and love my partner. I also nurture and cherish his daughter, the way I nurture and cherish him.
On Mothers Day 2016, I was in Perth, in Australia, and I was there alone, but surrounded by many. I actually found out, that I was going to be a Mum myself, I was pregnant! What a day to officially find out on. The first person I called was my dear Aunt (my mum’s sister) together with my Nan (My Mother’s Mum) as they both lived together, and always have. I skyped them, as you do when you’re on the other side of the world, and the only request I made prior to the call, was that my cousin was not in the room when I called the. I didn’t even get to say the words ”i’m pregnant” but I was smacked in the face with the words “Oh Louise, you’re pregnant, you need to get to the Doctors and get rid of it now, or you’ll ruin your life” My nan even added, in front of her daughter, (my aunt) how her daughter had ruined her life because she had a son, and the father has never been present in his life.
I actually still went and surprised my Nan and my Aunt upon my arrival back into England, after being abroad for 1 year, despite the comments that were made. My Nan and Aunt had put together a traditional roast dinner, over dinner, my Nan said to me “so you got rid of it then and that’s all sorted out now?” I replied ”yes” and no conversation ever arose again to this day.
See, i’m quite unsure of this term ‘Step Mother’ I mean, having a Birth Mother and a Step Mother, present in my life, I feel I can voice my opinion from the subjects point of view. I love my Mum and I love my step Mum, I haven’t and don’t always like my Mum or my Step Mum, and they both know that and they will also say the exact same thing about me.
See, where I hit brick wall, is that, i’m not a Mother, or a Step Mother, but I am a full on, hands on involvement to my partners little girl, when her Mummy isn’t there, so what am I?
I remember feeling so disheartened, so hurt, and so emotional when my partner said to me once, that I am not a Step Mother to his daughter, I am ”just Lou”.. It took many tears, a lot of thought and conversation and self understanding of who I am to this precious little girl, if i’m not her Mum or Step Mum, because clearly i’m not just a girlfriend, because there’s a 4 year old girl involved.
I made the decision, that no matter what, I will continue to treat his daughter with the love and with the care that she deserves and also needs, just the same as I do with my partner and society can shove the labels up their ass for all I care, because anyway, ‘labels are limitations’
I have 1 vision and 1 vision only, which remains consistent with my business, and with my partner, and with his daughter, and that is that ‘I want to be the person who is there for you, when you feel like you have no-one’
To compact around 4 months of a story into a few words, I chose to be a Mum, when I found out, I had been blessed and chosen to be one. For some reason, which I come to terms with more and more as the moments pass, my baby passed too, so I didn’t actually ‘get rid’ of my baby, but I just found it easier, in that moment to agree with my Nan, because given the treatment I received when they found out, I couldn’t bring myself to tell them I went ahead with the pregnancy, but the pregnancy didn’t go ahead with me.
I listened to their opinion, but I made up my own mind, because I knew I had to live my life, being true to myself. If you always take on board other peoples opinions, it’s easier to play the blame game, because they told you to. Whereas, if you listen to yourself, and trust your gut, you ask yourself, how can I grow, or learn from this? If things don’t go as you planned them to.
I hope this read was a worthy one, I hope you have learned something, or heard something that resonates with you, and I wish you a lovely day, as a Mother, Step Mother, God Mother, or ”just you”
Love ”just Lou”
Founder of Stress Less, Relax To The Max Ltd